Your father’s death, my birth (*1)
In the Garden all alone
The value I’d attained with you (*2)
In your silence fully shown
A Spirit Mother in life’s shadow
Seeing the greatness that was there
Discontented from a world’s perspective (*3)
But who said life’s fair
9/9/18
11:15 AM – 11:22 AM
[Note of 8/31/20]
Sometimes when I go back to type what I’d written, I wonder what the hell
did I mean? I think that despite the fact that Kenneth and I were divorce,
the fact that he was still living, I still felt somewhat attached. Maybe
just attached by the characterization that he’d wrapped me up in. Though I
doubt that it was anything more than character assassination, because he
was very hurt by my abandonment. But, none the less there was still that
sense of connection. With his death, it was like having the umbilical cord
cut. I was like a kite that someone had let go.
*1 Referring to my birth, for the first time I could see what he’d tried to
tell me all along. He kept going on about the Federal Reserve, the
Rothschilds, the Illuminati and the Cabal. I didn’t, couldn’t hear any of
it. I still had my ‘rose colored’ glasses on. When he passed, I ran
across the ‘Q’ movement. While mainstream media attempts to demonize the
movement, their interpretation of the ‘Q’ movement and Qanons (which means
those who follow it, anon must be short for anonymous) at any rate through
a Facebook comment I was to discover the underpinnings of the world we live
in through the ‘Q’ movement. The interpretation that mainstream media puts
forward is a projection of their own underhanded agenda.
So, when I refer to his death as my birth, at last I could see what he
attempted to tell me for the 23 years we were together.
*2 I think the value that I speak of refers to the children we raised.
Katie, my baby got the worst end of the stick. Given the fact that I did
not want to disrupt their world, I left everything we’d built together,
alone. It was my intention to rebuild my life and have Katie live between
her dad and myself. Unfortunately, I had not taken every step needed to
have her feel secure in my world at the beginning of my transit. In
retrospect, it was during the time that I was attempting to reconfigure my
end so I could have her with me, she grew to reject me. If the roles were
reversed, I would have probably done the same thing.
Maybe that’s what I meant when I said, “The value I’d attained with you, in
your silence fully shown” because there is very little communication
between the two of us.
(*3) I said, “Discontent from a world’s perspective” as I reflected on this
line, I came to realize that my spiritual nature absorbed all the crap
around me. Despite the fact that I had everything that people seek in life
in terms of security, I wasn’t happy. I knew that if I were not happy,
happiness could not exist for others, I felt I had to leave.
In looking back, it’s more than likely my Spirit was in torment for two
reasons, one (having an empathetic nature) I was absorbing and feeding off
the energy present in our relationship, feeling my husband’s frustration.
But more importantly not living up to my Soul path. Because of
circumstances occurring in my marriage I used that as an excuse to drop
boundaries of behavior meandering where energy attracted me. In other
words, I was not living up to my own standards, using the hurt I’d gone
through as an excuse to do so.
It’s all about learning. Unfortunately innocents got hurt in the process.
